how did i get so fucking lucky. i have the best boyfriend. 

it’s really weird having a boyfriend after you have gone so long, like literally 5 years thinking that the one person you have liked a lot for a while would come back to you and everything would work out. but i’m done waiting and i’m done liking you, so i moved on. and i’m honestly so happy. being with him makes me realize all the things we do that i’ve never done with anyone else, and how much better he treats me. like when we have tickle fights or when we kiss and we pull back and give each other eskimo nose kisses. it’s just weird having a boyfriend..but i like it :)

sometimes i wish i was meaner. i mean like i can be, but not to the point to stick up for myself or even hurt someones feelings i know i shouldn’t. i just have a guilty conscience and ugh i wish you would stop texting me because i honestly HATE your guts but for some reason i just can’t be mean to you, i honestly don’t know why. i wish i could just tell you off, and you keep texting me asking for advice on what to do with your personal life and i tell you advice because i don’t know why but i do, and i appreciate when i say i have to go and you leave me alone but i mean still i wish you would just stop texting me altogether. i’m not ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER being your friend again. i have never hated anyone as much as i hate you, honestly. i’m blocking your number soon so i guess i’ll just have to wait until that day. 

somedays i really fucking miss you. like when i get really high and i just think of everything, i think of you and it makes me want to cry sometimes thinking about all the shit we went through together but we tried to make it work and i don’t know i sometimes just want to text you or randomly call you and talk to you and tell you that i’ll always love you and that it won’t change ever but i know that wouldn’t end good and i don’t want to sound like a retard because you’re already moved on and i mean i guess i am too but i will never love anyone the way i loved you. 

today was actually pretty good. and i’m actually pretty satisfied with how my break went it just sucks so much that school is back and i have to work this week and ugh. sometimes i wish i was just little again. everything was so much easier. i miss the simplicity. 

well i’m going to bed. goodnight. 

i hate having friends older than me who are going away to college next year. this is going to be our last summer together, and it won’t even be a full summer. last summer was seriously the best experience of my life and i honestly mean it. it was so amazing. and it’s really fucking sad to think of all the people i hangout with last summer except for two people are going away to college next year. i wish i was older, or i wish they were younger. i’m actually really sad right now. 

ugh god i feel like shit. honestly i feel like crying right now and i don’t even know why. i’m so sad from seeing everyone i care about hurting themselves. why can’t everyone just be happy. god damn.

it’s so fucked up how much i still care about you. all the shit you have put me through, and it still takes all i can to not talk to you when i see you online on facebook. i know you got too drunk downtown last week and you were puking everywhere and you were all alone and someone found you curled up in a ball outside laying in your own vomit, and i know when you went to the hospital they found a lot of old scars on your wrists. and i know that at least one of those scars was because of me. and i wish i could just talk to you about everything that i’m writting down but i can’t, because i can’t even talk to you anymore without it turning into a “lets date” conversation. and it’s always you who brings it up. and i love you so much. and i always will. but i wish we could just be really good friends. i wish you would just call me whenever you feel like shit and we could just talk. i will always be here for you, no matter how much you treat me like shit. i hate seeing you hurt.

fuck.